Planning a shower can be confusing, but it doesn’t have to be. Following is a list of etiquette issues for showers that you and the shower hostess will want to consider.
- Showers should not be hosted by the bride, her mother, or by the mother of the groom except in certain circumstances. Instead, another relative, a close friend, a co-worker, or a member of the wedding party should act as hostess. The maid of honor does not have to host a shower, particularly if she doesn’t live near the bride or it would be difficult for her to have a shower either financially or time-wise. Mothers may help with a shower, but their names shouldn’t appear on the invitation. The only time it is socially acceptable for the mother of the groom to host a shower is when she lives in another location and the shower will provide an opportunity for the groom’s family and friends to honor the bride.
- It is okay to have more than one shower or no shower at all. If more than one shower is planned, don’t invite the same guests to multiple showers except for the mothers, the maid/matron of honor, and bridesmaids if they live nearby. When mothers and bridal attendants are invited to multiple showers, they are not expected to bring a gift to each one unless they can afford to do so and want to.
- The shower hostesses are responsible for the costs involved, not the guests. It is not necessary to spend a small fortune to have a shower. By having it at a home, church, or community club house, you won’t need to pay for the facility. If you plan a shower at a restaurant, don’t ask guests to pay for their own food. If you want to have a restaurant shower but you can’t afford to pay for dinner or lunch for everyone, then serve only dessert and beverages.
- Do not invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding. Only the bride’s closer friends and family, not everyone she knows, should be invited to a shower. Don’t invite relatives who live out of the area, including mothers, unless you know they will attend. To invite out of towners gives the impression they were invited only for the gift.
- It is preferable to issue invitations in writing; however, if time does not permit, invitations can be issued by telephone, especially to family and close friends. Issue invitations by e-mail only to people you know check their e-mail frequently.
- Although the bride should not include gift registry information in the wedding invitation, it is acceptable for a shower hostess to mention the registry/registries in the shower invitation. Not everyone will take advantage of the registry since some guests may not like them or may not live near stores where the bride is registered. If you receive gifts similar to ones on your registry but they did not come from the store where you are registered, you will need to update your registry before the next shower or the wedding or risk receiving duplicate items.
- Don’t ask for money in lieu of gifts. If the bride doesn’t need household items, then don’t have a shower. The only time it is acceptable to ask for money is to purchase a large item as a group gift, such as a microwave or vacuum cleaner. Then, the hostess can suggest that those who want to contribute towards the gift may, but guests should not be expected to participate unless they choose to do so.
- Showers should be held before the wedding (and receptions after). Occasionally, in smaller communities and churches, a shower will be held after the wedding for a bride who eloped. This is technically a violation of etiquette, but if the ladies want to honor the bride, then go ahead and do so.
- Be sure someone writes down information about the gifts and the names of the givers as gifts are opened. If possible, send thank you notes before the wedding, so you aren’t swamped later. Even if you verbally thank your guests at the shower, you should still follow up with a written note. And don’t use labels – addresses and notes should be hand written, including your return address. Thank you notes should be sent within three months of the shower, and preferably before the thank you notes for the wedding gifts are sent.
- • Do plan some type of entertainment at the shower. It might be games or some other activity of the hostess’s choosing, such as a luncheon or a tea; however, don’t plan games or activities that could be embarrassing to the bride or other guests. Inviting guests to come, then simply opening gifts and serving dessert can be perceived as a blatant request for gifts and can offend your guests.
- Today, numerous home party plans, from Pampered Chef to lingerie, offer shower options. If the bride likes the products of a particular company, this can be a convenient way to have a shower. The guests can order gifts the bride has chosen in advance and they can order things for themselves as well. All the hostess needs to provide is refreshments.
- Co-ed showers are increasingly popular. Give the groom gifts of tools, garden items, or something related to a hobby or interest. Don’t give the bride lingerie at this type of shower. Most men don’t like games, so forego the party games. Instead, have a barbeque or something similar.
© 2006, Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved